I should be more famous than Columbus…

I really can’t stand Christopher Columbus, taking all the credit for discovering America.  Shouldn’t I be the one glorified as the person responsible for kicking off the land of the free and the home of the brave?

They finally decided to celebrate my landing in 1964 with Leif Erikson Day, although that is a full THIRTY YEARS after Columbus got his holiday. About time! After all, I was stomping around your countryside 500 years before that dude was even born. Talk about skewed priorities.

But at least you got it right when you named your Minnesota football team the Vikings. Very cool logo – looks just like me.

Anyway, I digress.

What I really wanted to talk about were the reasons why I couldn’t stay in the New World. The gods conspired against me for sure and I never got over it. I was screwed out of my legacy because there were some disadvantages I just couldn’t overcome, despite my inspiring leadership.

1 – I didn’t have the Purple People Eaters to back me up.

Don’t know how much you know about my story, but we had a few issues with the indigenous population. My idiot brother Thorwald took on more than he could handle and paid the ultimate price.

But I can tell you one thing for sure. He wouldn’t have had any problems at all if the Purple People Eaters were with us. Those guys: Alan Page, Carl Eller, Jim Marshall and Gary Larsen would have made some of my biggest Norse warriors look like wimps.

Who the hell decides who is inducted into your Pro Football Hall of Fame? Can’t understand why Jim Marshall was left out…. Trust me, all of the Purple People Eaters are in the Viking Hall of Fame. And when I say Viking, I mean the original meaning of the word.

Tell you what, if they were part of my team, you guys would all be saying tusen takk instead of thank you and you’d all have blonde hair!

You know how they used to say, ‘Meet at the quarterback’? Well, our saying would have been ‘Meet at the Sherman’ – which brings me to my next point…

2 – I didn’t have any Sherman pole buildings.

I wish Sherman was around in 1000 AD. Us Vikings loved to drink and party, and a Sherman pole building would have been just perfect for a drinking house for late night carousing.

But of course, life is more than drinking and partying (well, that’s the politically correct thing to say now days, isn’t it?). Can’t live without food and shelter. And Sherman could have not only provided the shelter, but also been a great place to store the food. Talk about a total solution.

Given the chance, I would have given up my favorite sword to have a Sherman Pole Building.  Life as a world-famous explorer might sound glamorous and sexy, but it gets very old very quickly when you’re cold and wet all the time. And that’s what you get when you have to live in a tent.

I could have gotten high quality framing materials at a great price. I would have built it myself in Isanti County, Minnesota – Isanti reminds me of my home in Scandinavia. Wish I’d have gotten my best minds together to create my own version of a Sherman…

Now, I know what you’re thinking – life is full of coulda, woulda, shoulda…

Don’t you even dare think of mocking me –Sherman wasn’t around to help!

So, what’s the moral of the story?

We have a rule in Scandinavia – every Nordic story has to have a moral. Only I haven’t decided on which one I want to use. There’s, ‘Be a TRUE Viking and buy a Sherman’ or ‘Columbus is Fake News’.

Well, hey, it doesn’t matter. They’re both good.

You guys are smart, right? You decide.


Written by Murray Barnett, at www.thecreativewriter.com.au